Just don’t know what to write. It’s week one…an anniversary of sorts….1 week minus a child. My mind plays the Technicolor movie of walking into Dylan’s room to find him dead. Most other memories are good ones, but that one is far too vivid. And my guess is that it will never turn to black and white. Each morning I awake with that film being run.
The odd thing about a tragedy like this, and the process, is that the one who experiences the deepest grief seems to be called upon to provide the greatest comfort. I have held so many who have cried….providing them all words of comfort, while all the time myself, screaming inside, “Doesn’t anyone understand that this is excruciating to me”?
Auto-pilot….that’s what life is. God? Sure….He’s around. But when you’re numb, you’re numb.
I was with all my remaining children for the funeral. But I hate the term “remaining children”. The thing is….Dylan is my child…not my ex-child. I have 4 children. 1 of them has passed away. My kids were/are healing.
I miss Dylan…his smile, his giggle, but I miss his smell….the feel of his body….to touch…..how he impacted my senses.
I am lonely. There is a hole in my heart. Many well meaning Christians will say, “Oh…God will fill that hole”. That’s not true. That hole is not fill-able. The challenge is to life with the hole. The hole isn’t meant to heal…it’s meant to be a part of the future.
If you have kids….do more…..
Hi Dan
ReplyDeleteI just recently started reconnecting with my past. In my search for my old friends I managed to find Norman Barrett's email.
Babs emailed me back and mentioned the passing of your son. I am so sorry and so sad to hear of this.
My second son's name also is Dylan. He was extremely ill for many months a few years ago and almost died. Thankfully we were able to diagnose and beat the situation. I now call it the Elvis disease. Like Elvis's, Dylan's colon was packed to the hilt and it was causing all the toxins to back up into his system. It even came through his skin in his perspiration. It literally stunk. Thankfully (understatement of the century!), we were able to beat it (unlike Elvis). It broke our hearts to watch Dylan go through this trauma and we were prepared to one day have to bury our son. Thank God he's alive (God AND my son).
Dylan is now a straight A student with scholarship offers from many universities, a talented musician and a Spirit-filled young man.
Life is too short to ignore our friends and brothers. And as such I share in your pain and heartbreak. I lost my mother to cancer and her father (my grandfather) had to come from Finland to bury her. No parent should have to bury their child. The only consolation we have is that they are with our Father in heaven free of all pain and suffering.
When Wendy and I still lived in Toronto she got pregnant and later miscarried. We never addressed it properly. A few months ago I had a dream. In it I was in heaven with my wife and a young, brown-haired girl. I immediately knew this was the child that we lost. The next day I wept and mourned. It was like an ancient well had been opened up. It was painful and healing at the same time. I now know I have a daughter waiting for me in heaven. Sure would've loved to watch her grow up on earth though...
In other news...
I recently connected with David Vaters. He's married now and lives in Florida.
The Vu is finally available on iTunes.
Also, you worked with my friends Broken Walls. I occasionally do sound for them and sit in with them.
We should stay in touch. You, me and my E#-Bow LOL.
Bliss to you and your family.
Kai Siltamaki
Hi Dan, thank you for writing all this.. I just found it after Googling for the Larry Norman thing in The Natherlands in October. I will be one of the singers. Anyway, I wasn't expecting to read all this, and all the more now I am looking forward to meeting you. I love the way you express yourself, and how you are honestly describing your emotions and thoughts. My story is not the same, but there's things that I want to learn to come to peace with, but I stay stuck in the numb phase.. So thank you for the inspiration, maybe I will start to write more again. Warm greetings, Martijn
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