Just know this.... we’re doing “better”. But I do know this….the hole can NOT be filled….not even with God. That’s a notion that reads well, but isn’t scriptural. The fact is….there is a hole in our hearts. That hole is the place that Dylan had/has. The thing is, when he died, so did a part of us. And that’s as it should be. We must learn not only to LIVE with the death of our son, but also LIVE with the hole in our heart. He can’t be replaced, and either can the place he had in our hearts.
The point is, that because we were 24/7 care-givers, this is more a part of us lost than expected. It was our identity. We were Dylan for him, so the loss seems even greater. Hard to explain......
And….post-renewal theology and the “system” hold nothing for me. Because….at times like this, one begins to experience Jesus in spite of the rhetoric of well intentioned clergy or the sustainability of “feel good” renewal-isims. One’s health….this loss……that’s where the rubber meets the road. The clever idioms of the church are the “shadow”. The weight of the pain that drives me into the bosom of Christ….that’s the “substance”.
